Canada’s Jan Brady Syndrome

“Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!” It’s always about Marsha. That was Jan Brady’s chronic complaint about being overshadowed by her prettier and more successful older sister on the iconic TV series “The Brady Bunch”. As anyone who grew up between 1960 and 1990 knows, Jan Brady’s situation came to define the ultimate middle child syndrome. Overshadowed by the older, more famous sibling and neglected by parents showering care and concern on the youngest one.

So, it is with Canada.

The idea of treating the Commonwealth of Nations as a “family of nations” might be more accurate than most people realize. It’s complete with all the dysfunction and psychodrama that plays out in any family.

The parents in the family are Britain. Or the “United Kingdom”, which is actually the (forced) marriage of England and Scotland. (Wales and Northern Ireland have been long overlooked mistresses). Among the dozens of countries around the globe that were sired by the Island Kingdom, four major offspring stand out.

America is the eldest and the most obvious. They moved out of the house in 1776 and has been the most famous and successful of all the children of Britannia. They’re a power in their own right and the United States of America is arguably the natural heir apparent to the British Empire and the Anglo-protestant tradition. Like any first born child, all that success comes with a hitch. They are arrogant, self-centred, and when they are not bullying you, they are ignoring you.

Then there is the youngest child. This child has to strike it out on their own in a way that will distinguish themselves from all the other children and attract the attention of the parents. A natural jokester and prankster, the youngest child doesn’t take life too seriously. And in this case, the third child of the British Empire moved far away. To the other end of the earth. Down Under. Where Australia could sit by the beach, drink beer and try to stay out of their parent’s hair. A place where all the jokesters and pranksters in England could be shipped off to become happy-go-lucky blokes and sheilas.

In between America and Australia is the middle child. The one that everyone forgets about. The one who reliably hauls out the welcome wagon and the parents’ fine china, whenever the parents arrive. That is Canada. Trouble is, the middle child doesn’t have much of a personality — not compared to the other siblings. Canada basically defines itself as “not being the States”. Moreover, the British half of Canada is in a bad marriage with a French spouse, which is the only thing that makes the country somewhat interesting.

While you might forgive the UK and Australia from not being able to find Canada on the map, the fact that so few Americans can find it speaks either to their own arrogant ignorance…or to Canada’s general low profile on the global stage. That’s the fundamental problem for the middle child. Attention from the older siblings or parents like the US or the UK is a double edge-sword. Canada wants the attention, but often gets bullied in the process.

The past few weeks have been a clear illustration of that. Last week: 63 dead Canadians shot down in a plane crash as a result of America’s trigger-happy government that can’t get over its anger management problem and stop picking fights with Iran. This week: Canada looks like it will be a dumping zone for Mother Britain’s “problem prince(ss)”, Harry and Meghan, who are looking for a place where they have their royal cake and eat it too as they “pull back from royal life” and parlay their image into a “global brand”.

While the media have been avidly discussing who will pay for the couple’s security in Canada, few people seem to consider that there are fundamental problems associated with Harry and Meghan moving to Canada. Immigration for one. Canada only allows visitors to spend a maximum of 6 months out of a 12 month year in the country. If they stay even one day more, they’ll need to apply to immigrate to the Great White North, like millions of other hopefuls around the globe. But the current system only allows people like Harry and Meghan to immigrate if they can demonstrate that they possess specific skills that are in-demand or they invest $$$$$. in a business that hires at least 5 Canadian employees. Hosting a global brand company on Instagram may not cut it. Jumping the queue because you’re “special” is also not the way to ingratiate yourself to your new family.

But even if they only stay 6 months out of the year, how do they handle the schooling for their children? Regardless if the child is enrolled in a public or private school, their tourists visas would expire before their children could complete the full school year. What if there is a medical emergency? As non-citizens, and non-permanent residents, they won’t get any special treatment or be enrolled in the public healthcare system. What’s the carbon-load on a bi-continental baby?

Even if they were to decide to immigrate to Canada and become citizens, they would also have to give up their royal titles. The Canadian Nickel Resolution of 1919 doesn’t allow for Canadian citizens to hold British titles. There is no place in Canada for an aristocracy, especially a person who is in the line of succession. Canada has a carefully crafted constitution that provides for a monarch who reigns but doesn’t reside in Canada. Harry may only be 6th in line to the throne, but Canada is unlikely to open up its constitution to accommodate a wayward royal. So much for making your fortune off of the #SussexRoyal brand.

But then again they might. Canada’s parents in the UK seem to treat it like a done deal. Officials in Britain already claimed that they got assurance from the Canadian government that Harry’s security costs could be covered. That was half-heartedly denied. That didn’t stop the British media from suggesting that Prince Harry could even act as Canada’s Governor General, the official head of state for Canada. They clearly were unaware of Canada’s own approach to the monarchy, but they also didn’t care seem to care. Many of the British media outlets refer to Harry and Meghan’s plan to “move to America”…i.e. the USA, as if they were interchangeable.

That, of course, goes to the heart of Canada’s “Jan Brady Syndrome”. As the middle child, Canada is constantly being mistaken for her more famous older sibling. Canada might very well rearrange its constitutional furniture to keep Meghan and Harry north of the 49th parallel. If there is one universal rule in Canada, it’s that everything is always inconsistent. French coexists with English; the metric system coexists with Imperial measurements and the Canadian Constitution is chock full of opt-out clauses and poorly defined rights that anything is possible. As Pierre Trudeau famously said when repatriating the Constitution to Canada, “It doesn’t have to be logical. It just has to work.” Like a reliable middle child seeking attention of her parent, Canada will do whatever it takes to make her parents happy and to score a point over her famous older sibling.

But something tells me that in the end it won’t matter. In the end, maybe in 2, 5, 10 years, Harry and Meghan will end up selling their mansion in Canada and moving to the older sibling’s house: America. Because that’s where all the action is. The USA is a stage and market that is just too large to ignore for any type-A Canadian looking to have a big voice in the world. For all their badmouthing of the media, Canada’s lack of star power — and low key press — won’t be enough to keep the fire of the couple’s “global brand” burning. Particularly as they get older, and people start to forget who #SussexRoyal is. If they are lucky, when they move, they might still have enough caché to be able to cash in on their name. As the Marsha Brady of the family, being successful just your looks and popularity alone is practically the American Dream. And being privileged based on who you are is exactly what royalty is all about.

Like many middle children, Canada will take whatever scraps of success and attention from their parents and siblings they can get. Canadian media is already highlighting Meghan’s tenuous connection with Canada by the fact that she spent a few years shooting a US series (Suits) in Toronto. Ten years from now, it won’t be hard to add another footnote to the story of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry that they once briefly even lived in British Columbia. The pain and embarrassment when they ultimately move to the USA will remain a family secret…that only Jan Brady knows.